No guarantees

Number 11 round of Taxol and Herceptin on Monday. I saw Dr. River, too, for a last consult before he leaves to practice in Tulsa. I have been avoiding making any decision about "who will be my doctor", waiting for an answer from God that crashes on the ground in front of me. I haven't been doing my part - no prayer asking for answers - so why should I expect God to answer something I haven't asked for. I have been struggling with staying at Mt. Carmel Cancer Center - with no choice of physician - and I REALLY don't like the only available physician - or should I make a change to another physician/cancer service, now as chemo is completed (next week, number 12) and before radiation begins. I will see the radiation doctor Oct. 1.
I have been struggling over the weekend and into Monday with my diagnosis - I had another hit of reality - Stage III breast cancer, 67% five year survival rate. Hard reality. Cruel reality. Grief, sadness, despair. . . . . .
Psalms 91
Psalms 22
Prayer
Sleep
Sunlight and work.
Today is better. I have realized that no one has a guanantee on life. I don't know why I suddenly understand this - I've even said it aloud to others, unknowingly and without insight. All I can say is "it is different, when it is me". I feel better today, more secure and peaceful. I will trust God for tomorrow and live today the life He wants me to live. My prayers will be more earnest. My heart will be more open. My days filled with more sincerity.
So what about my doctor??? - well, I took some long-ago received advice and called Dr. Bobar Mathew in Pittsburg. He is a physician that works for Freeman Hospital (Joplin),and was at Mt. Carmel for many years. His office is in Pittsburg, however. He has a great reputation. I called his office and asked to talk to one of his nurses - not asking for a specific name - and the receptionist forwarded my call to Cindy Masters. I know her and she knows me. (wow, is God at work??) She is arranging for my consultation. Soooo easy. A door opened, A prayer answered.
Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12-13.
Love you all -
Ellen

TGIF

I have been fortunate to have avoided most of the side effects of chemotherapy. Most people loose weight, and I think I've gained weight! However, the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing numbness and tingling in the bottom of my feet that is a side effect of the drug Taxol. It's a fairly common side effect. It's difficult for me to walk barefoot, but with shoes on, no one could tell I was having any problems. It's annoying and supposed to disappear after the drug is out of my system. Only two more chemo treatments! Yippee!!
I will be traveling to Wichita next week to attend the nurses state convention. I am planning to stay with Aaron and Lindsay and probably stay Friday night to extend my visit. They will be home in Girard this weekend to attend a wedding.
I have been in Topeka most of this week (except for Monday - chemo day) because the school has had state and national "inspection". It is stressful and will be over today, thankfully. I am glad it's Friday and I can be home soon.
Have a great weekend -
Love to you,
Ellen

Number 10 on Monday

Taxol/Herceptin #10 will be Monday, September 22 and the last treatment will be October 6th - I can hardly believe it. I will then receive daily radiation, but I am unsure when that will start. I see the radiation doctor on October 1 and will know more then. The Cancer Center nurses told me that usually radiation is started about 3 weeks after chemo ends, which would then be October 27th.
I will see the surgeon at Barnes-Jewish in St. Louis on October 21st for a follow-up.
I am wondering if the doctors will do any scans to see if the chemo worked - it would seem like a logical time to have a scan, but when I asked Dr. River about it, he seemed to think we should wait until at least 5 weeks after chemo.
I still don't know who my physician will be at Mt. Carmel when Dr. River leaves the first of October. I think I should get some kind of notice, that hasn't happened. I am concerned, yet I have decided to 'let go and let God' on this - I can go back to St. Louis, if needed, for follow up care.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress:my God, in him I will trust. Psalm 91:2
Love to all -
Ellen

Another 1 in 8

This week I learned of a woman at my church who has breast cancer, another one of eight women who will get this disease. I saw her today at church and spoke to her about her concerns. She is most fearful of the chemotherapy since the drugs are damaging to the heart, and especially since she has heart problems and is diabetic. She has scans this week and surgery the next week. Her diagnosis is affirmation that I can provide comfort to her through her journey.
I am feeling more like myself today, more energy after my trip. Still, I think I'll go to bed early. Chemo tomorrow.
Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24
Love to you,
Ellen

Back from N. Ireland!

Here is a preview - I took 97 photos during my trip!
I am with my friend, Cindy (and the Dean of Washburn SON), at a traditional irish pub - just ate fish and chips for lunch. Another photo is from Ulster Folk Museum (Ireland circa 1900) in a protestant church, and three from the seacoast. The weather was cooler and it rained one day. However, it didn't interfere with shopping in downtown Belfast.

I left Belfast Tuesday morning at 11:20 am and got back to Girard at 4:00 am Wednesday morning. It is a long trip, yes, but I spent 7.5 hours at Newark airport - a victim of delays due to weather, lack of flight crew and then mechanical problems with the plane! The 4 pm flight to KC was cancelled, I was bumped to the 9 pm flight, which left at 11:30 pm! I did survive - and slept through chemo on Wednesday morning. Still no side effects from these treatments. I have been so blessed. I am more tired this week, but I am surely jet lagged a bit.
Fitting, my devotion last night was about joy - read Habakkuk 3:17-18. I will be joyful in the God of my salvation.
Take time to enjoy the fall weather - it's raining here today. A good day to rest and stay cozy in the house.
Love to you -
Ellen

Comfort and Joy!

No it's not Christmas. My devotion last evening included 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7. To paraphrase, "God gives us comfort and we must pass it on to others in need of comfort". This truly spoke to me, as I have experienced great comfort during my diagnosis and treatment that I believe is God sent. And now, I am keenly aware of family and friends in need of comfort. Although I cannot be there physically, I am near in heart. I am sending you God's comfort!
I am preparing (joy!) for my trip today. Packing for a cooler climate and looking forward to seeing the green of Ireland. I will post some photos when I return.
Keep me in your prayers and I continue on my journey -
Love to all,
Ellen