No guarantees

Number 11 round of Taxol and Herceptin on Monday. I saw Dr. River, too, for a last consult before he leaves to practice in Tulsa. I have been avoiding making any decision about "who will be my doctor", waiting for an answer from God that crashes on the ground in front of me. I haven't been doing my part - no prayer asking for answers - so why should I expect God to answer something I haven't asked for. I have been struggling with staying at Mt. Carmel Cancer Center - with no choice of physician - and I REALLY don't like the only available physician - or should I make a change to another physician/cancer service, now as chemo is completed (next week, number 12) and before radiation begins. I will see the radiation doctor Oct. 1.
I have been struggling over the weekend and into Monday with my diagnosis - I had another hit of reality - Stage III breast cancer, 67% five year survival rate. Hard reality. Cruel reality. Grief, sadness, despair. . . . . .
Psalms 91
Psalms 22
Prayer
Sleep
Sunlight and work.
Today is better. I have realized that no one has a guanantee on life. I don't know why I suddenly understand this - I've even said it aloud to others, unknowingly and without insight. All I can say is "it is different, when it is me". I feel better today, more secure and peaceful. I will trust God for tomorrow and live today the life He wants me to live. My prayers will be more earnest. My heart will be more open. My days filled with more sincerity.
So what about my doctor??? - well, I took some long-ago received advice and called Dr. Bobar Mathew in Pittsburg. He is a physician that works for Freeman Hospital (Joplin),and was at Mt. Carmel for many years. His office is in Pittsburg, however. He has a great reputation. I called his office and asked to talk to one of his nurses - not asking for a specific name - and the receptionist forwarded my call to Cindy Masters. I know her and she knows me. (wow, is God at work??) She is arranging for my consultation. Soooo easy. A door opened, A prayer answered.
Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12-13.
Love you all -
Ellen